Monday, May 7, 2012
My Mommy heart is sad today. I have achy arms and a hole in my heart the size that only a soon to be 16 yr. old boy can fill. My "son" (not quite yet -- but hopefully VERY soon!) turns 16 soon, or so we think, and he's without a family to help him celebrate. I can hardly bear the thought of him waking up with nothing "special" to look forward to for his day. I don't know whether he'll have his favorite breakfast, or whether he'll have a great lunch with friends or his favorite dinner. I don't know whether he'll have a cake. I don't know whether he's looking forward to being 16 or dreading it because of the uncertainty of the coming year. I don't know whether he'll be happy or sad on his birthday. I pray it will be happy, but I'm not sure what a 16 yr. old without a family (that he knows of) in a country that doesn't value him much and has put him away in an orphanage because he is "different" feels on his 16th birthday.
I wish he were here. I wish I knew what his favorite breakfast is. I wish I knew what he thought a great lunch would be and that I could go pick him & his friends up from school and take him to get it. I wish I knew if he has a favorite dinner or if he's eaten the same thing for dinner every night of his life that he can remember. I wish he knew what an ugly (but tasty) cake maker I am and that he was anticipating "Mom's special icing" on his cake. I wish I could go in to his bedroom in the morning and wake him with "Happy birthday, precious Son!!" I wish he could hear our family rendition of "Happy birthday to you!" with all the "cha-cha-cha's" and "kumbyah-HUH!" at the end (Adley's specialty!). I wish I had been wracking my mind for the past few weeks about what to get him for his birthday that will make a lasting impact on him and that he will remember for life as a special gift from his Mom & Dad on this very special birthday.
I wish I could ask him how THIS birthday is different from other ones he's had.
But I can't. Because he doesn't know us yet. Because he's still in an orphanage in his country. Without a family to celebrate him.
I have to admit I'm struggling with the Lord a little on this one. I have left the timing up to Him, and I know that it is PERFECT -- I just don't "get" it. Why? Why another birthday -- and such a BIG one -- alone? Why not work another miracle (like the crazy number of others that have been worked so far in this adoption process) and at least let US be THERE on his day so we can give him a birthday gift in person?? (And that gift would begin with MANY Mom and Dad hugs to make up for the lack of them for the first 15 birthdays.)
The Bible says that we as humans can't "know the mind of God" that "His ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts." Most of the time, I'm really glad about this because I know there's no way my human mind could fathom even a minute fraction of the vastness of the knowledge of God. I can't even pretend that I could "get" the tiniest portion of it. But as the days tick by and I know we're ready to have Sam/Yuri in our home and family, I wish for just a brief minute that I could know how this all plays out and WHEN it will be that he is here feeling safe and loved and not worrying anymore. I know none of that is possible, so...we're back to that whole TRUSTING thing I've got going on. Seems to be a recurring theme.
So, as I go to sleep tonight, I'm planning his next birthday party...and it's gonna be a good one!!!